Maurice Fayne, did you think you would get away with it? Did you think styling yourself “Arkansas Mo” on a show like VH1’s “Love & Hip Hop: Atlanta” made you the kind of guy who can pull a con on the down low? When you borrowed $2,045,800 from the Paycheck Protection Program, did you really think you could squander it all on bling? Were you amazed at how fast the FBI could swoop in to arrest you for bank fraud? Any second thoughts? Are you already wishing you could go back to D-list obscurity?
What made you decide to reach out for that sweet sweet PPP cash? Did you read about it in the Wall Street Journal? (Do you think we’d believe you if you said yes?) Did you laugh out loud at the irony of submitting your application on April 15 when the rest of us are paying our taxes?
How did you convince the bank and the SBA that your trucking company, which has one truck, actually has 107 employees and a monthly payroll of $1,490,200? How did you come up with those numbers, anyway? Did you try to guesstimate what a company with 107 employees might pay them in a month? Or did you just pull it out of your armpit and call it good?
Were you shocked and stunned when the bank actually gave you the $2 million? Was your shopping list already right there in front of you? Or did you think, “Wow, what do I do now?” Were you worried the bank would catch their mistake and take the money back?
Should we be impressed you lit the first $1.5 million on fire so fast? Who were you trying to impress with a Rolex, a diamond bracelet, and a 5.73 carat diamond ring? What was your plan for paying it back? Did you miss the word “loan” on the application? Or were you thinking you’d just won the coronavirus lottery?
Does your lawyer really expect us to believe you were just “confused” about that statement where you certified that you would use the money to “retain workers and maintain payroll or make mortgage interest payments, lease payments, and utility payments”? More importantly, do you expect a jury to believe it? Why not just plead guilty and save us all the embarrassment of a trial?
Were you shooting for “Dad of the Year” when you used $40,000 to catch up on your back child support? What kind of man get gets $40,000 behind on child support in the first place? Are you some kind of monster? Shouldn’t you put something away to cover your kid’s future therapy?
Why was there $9,400 in your pocket when the Feds arrested you?
Why did you lease a Rolls-Royce Wraith? Has it ever occurred to you that if you had to lease it, maybe you can’t afford it? Are you embarrassed you didn’t even have time to get real license plates before the Feds seized it? When they asked if you used any of the PPP money on the new ride, did you that think “kinda, sorta, not really” was the answer they were looking for?
Do you know this is the first time we’ve ever written this column about someone whose only connection to “taxes” is “ripping off taxpayers”? Do you think our readers have even noticed? Or are they just having too much fun laughing at you to care?
Can you tell your baby mama you won’t need your diamonds in jail?